I'm so old, I waited for a stop sign to turn green.
Why did the dog lick my hand? Cause I ran out of toilet paper...ewwwe.
My girlfriend is so pretty, the older I get, the better she looks. Thats not a joke though.
If a marriage is an institution, and love is blind, then chapels are an institute for the blind.

1) Think of a number, any number. Write that number down: ________ (EG: 4261)
2) Multiply the number by 9. Write that number down: _______ (EG: 4261 x 9 = 38349)
3) Add that number's digits across Write the result down: ______ (EG: 3+8+3+4+9 = 27)
4) Repeat step 3, until all the digits added across are less than 10. Write the result down: ____ (EG: 2+7 = 9)
You answer is always 9.
You can do a lot of mind games with this trick.
But you can use this trick to figure out REALLY quick, if a number is divisible by 9.
EG: For example
     123,456 = (1+2+3+4+5+6) is 21 = (1+2) is 3, which is not divisible by 9. 123456 / 9 = 13717.333333333334
     1,234,566 = (1+2+3+4+5+6+6) is 27 = (2+7) is 9, which is divisible by 9. 1234566 / 9 = 137174
Boring, I know, but it can be useful at times.
Every number seems to have its tricks.

Purple - Intelligence / Mental Focus
Green - Success / Decision Making
Black - Self Control / Willpower
Red - Self Confdence / Positive Attitude
Silver - Healing / Balance
Yellow - Patience / Serenity
White - Wealth / Financial Confidence
Orange/Yellow - Harmony / Peace
Pink - Love / Romance
Grey/Brown - Relaxation
Gold/Tan - Creativity / Artistic Ability
Blue - Healing / Problem Solving

Answer over 23 and Mensa considers you a genius. Only 2 Mensa geniuses have answered all of them.

01. 26 L of the A (hint: 26 Letters of the Alphabet)
02. 7 D of the W
03. 7 W of the W
04. 12 S of the Z
05. 66 B of the B
06. 52 C in a P (W Js)
07. 13 S in the U S F
08. 18 H on the G C
09. 39 B of the O T
10. 5 T on a F
11. 90 D in a R A
12. 3 BM (S H T R)
13. 32 T in a D F at which W F
14. 15 P in a R T
15. 3 W on a T
16. 100 C in a R
17. 11 P in a F (S)T
18. 12 M in a Y
19. 13 = U F S
20. 8 T on an O
21. 29 D in F
22. 27 B in the N T
23. 365 D in a Y
24. 13 L in a B D
25. 52 W in a Y
26. 9 L of a C
27. 60 M in a H
28. 23 P of C in the H B
29. 64 S on a C B
30. 9 P in S A
31. 6 B to an O in C
32. 1000 Y in a M
33  15 M on a D M C

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
You discover it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Potatoes cook underground. All you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
Chickens are laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The Baptists have started sprinkling.
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth.
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks.
The Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.
The Mormons going door to door wearing tank tops
The Muslims are wearing towels around their waist.
STAY COOL!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted  at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.   
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.   
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.   
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the  memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!